Another year has come and gone...

May 3.  An ordinary day for most, I'm sure.  But for me? Not so much.

May 3, 2003 was a day I won't forget.  I was up early that day and had returned home from running errands to hear my phone ringing.  The caller ID showed "Dad's Phone" so I quickly picked up.

"Hey Dad, what's up?" I asked.  The answer changed my life forever.  It wasn't my dad.  It wasn't even my dad's wife. It was an unfamiliar woman's voice crying and talking so quickly over a poor-quality phone line that I could only make out the words "passed away." 

I immediately panicked and screamed "Who is this? What is going on????" and then my dad's wife DID get on the phone.  She was crying, too, and apologized, telling me that she was too upset to make the call, that I was the first to know that my dad had passed away in his sleep the previous night.

My dad had many issues with his health: he had type 2 diabetes that he eventually had to go on insulin to manage, he had heart disease, and had survived a double bypass that was originally supposed to be a triple bypass, and because they used some of his leg artery for the bypass, his leg wasn't healing well because of his diabetes.  He was a bit of a mess, I knew that.  But he was my dad.  And dads are supposed to be indestructible.

But he wasn't.  He had died, peacefully in his sleep, thank the universe. 

I told Gail I would call my brother in Seattle.  My other brother was out of the country and I wasn't sure how to reach him.  So I hung up, dried my eyes a bit, and started dialing.  I called my brother, my grandmother, and my mother, and somehow got the words out.  I called my boss and one of my friends in NC, because I knew I'd be heading to Oregon and would miss some work and need someone to take care of my cat.

And I cried.  A lot.

Nowadays I don't cry as much, but I still miss my dad.  He didn't get to see me get my Master's degree, or meet my now husband or even walk me down the aisle at my wedding.  But those moments were still beautiful and wonderful.  I miss him, but have learned to live without his physical presence. 

And another May 3 has come and gone.

I love you Dad!

Good things in 2013!!

                                           

    

As 2012 was coming to an end, I saw many posts on Facebook for a great way to find the positive in 2013.  It's basically taking a jar, and starting Jan 1, writing down good things that happen to you, and putting them into the jar.  Then, on New Year's Eve 2013, read through the contents of the jar in order to help you remember all of the good things, big and small, that happened throughout the year.

I decided to take on this challenge, as I always seem to be needing help looking at the positives in my daily life.  I found a jar in our cabinet o' glass jars -- I think it was an old spaghetti sauce jar -- and I used fabrics of different colors and decoupaged the outside of it.  It is very colorful and sparkly, and once dry I set it on the desk in the entry of our house.  This way, I see it every day, and that helps me to remember to write things down and put them in the jar. 

(None of these are my jar, since I don't have a smart phone to post my pictures online, but you'll have to trust me that it's pretty cool.)

Some folks are trying to write down one thing a day; me, I'm just writing down the good things as I encounter them so that I'm not pressuring myself.  But Joe even asked me if he could add things to the jar as well!  So, now that the year has begun, we have a few pieces of paper in the jar, and I have several things in my head that I still need to write down. 

What a great way to focus on the joyous, positive events throughout the year!

Chemistry

I'm enjoying a couple of weeks off from work, and it has been really really rejuvenating.  I have been pretty stressed out and burning out at work for a while now, and though I still love *where* I work, I feel less than confident in my current role. I've sustained a lot of injuries over the last twelve months, mostly while attempting to keep really traumatized little ones from hurting themselves or others.  But I power on, trying to keep myself healthy and muster enough energy to be as positive as possible with my students.  NOT easy.

In fact, I had to turn to my doctor for help in the form of medication -- yes, I'm now on an antidepressant.


Me, a "Qualified Mental Health Professional" with about 20 years' experience working with a challenging population of children with special needs.  Administering meds to most of those little ones every day.  Now taking one myself.  And it has helped me get through some really overwhelming and traumatizing times (yes, we adults can be traumatized, too).

So, here's to the makers of modern medicine, who help those who try to help others.  Thanks.

Catching up...

So, clearly I suck at the blog thing.  No new insight there.

However, here we are at the end of another long, crazy year, and it seems only natural to look back a bit, reflect, and see what lessons can be taken from the events of the last 12 months.


So, in no particular order, here's what I've come up with so far:


* I love my Pacific Northwest family and friends, and I miss them all very much.  Spending time with them (here and there) has been rejuvenating.

* It is okay to ask for help, in whatever form that may take.

* Slow and steady may not win the race, but it will finish it, by god!  

* Never underestimate the power of cats.  They are independent, loving, protective creatures, and they have a wisdom I will never understand.  And that is okay.

* Home really is where your heart is.

* There is more to life than work.  There HAS to be, in order to stay sane and healthy.

* My husband completes me.  He is my rock, my biggest cheerleader, my warmest hugs, my sweetest shoulder to rest on.


What are some of the lessons *you've* learned in 2012?

SIDELINED!

Man, this sucks!

I usually run three days a week, with 2 or three other days of the week for cross-training.  Tuesdays I run 3 miles, and have been trying to do some work with intervals to increase the intensity of the run, and improve my speed and strength.  Thursdays I run 4 miles, on a different route, and Saturdays (or sometimes Sundays) I do my long run.  My last long run was 11.5 miles, increasing .5 miles each week to build up to my Half-Marathon.  Was. As in, previous.  As in, had been running, but not now.

*SIGH*

Last Thursday, March 8th, is a day that will live in infamy.  But it goes a lot farther back than that, and has to do with a lot of things that have been stressing me out.  So, let me go back a little more...

Work has been stressful.  I have a very difficult job to do, and though I love it, it weighs heavily on me at times.  I've been struggling for weeks with feeling hopeless and unmotivated, feeling unsupported yet not sure what would help me.  Needless to say, my morale was shot, and mood was crap. I kept thinking about work, even at night when I tried to sleep, wanting to be better, but not sure how.  I often couldn't sleep, and it was taking its toll on me.  I was cranky and short-tempered most of the time, and my professionalism was on the verge of disappearing.  I tried taking Ambien and it helped, but I didn't want to end up relying on pills to get to sleep each night, so I didn't always take it, convinced that I will just get to sleep on my own.  It wasn't a good cycle to be in, needless to say.

I had a meeting with my supervisor last week, and it was eye-opening in many ways, and gave me a lot of things to think about, and I believe things will be changing.  They have been changing internally, for me, and I tried putting an intentional focus on the positive into my work.  I felt great.  I even wrote the word "JOY" on my inside wrist to be a constant reminder. :)

But sleep was still a struggle.

Which brings me to Thursday morning.  I didn't sleep well (surprise!) Wednesday night, but still felt like I needed to run.  It's so therapeutic for me, an excellent stress reliever.  So I headed out to do my four miles.  I left my driveway, started jogging, and went through my usual path along the side of the road (we don't have sidewalks).  I ran up by the local elementary school, and around the corner, where they have recently re-paved parts of the road, and re-painted the lines.  I run on the left, facing traffic of course, and when there are no cars coming I hop up on the line, since the side of the road is bumpy and not paved.  Well, at about 1.4 miles by my Garmin's measurement I put my foot on the line, but the line was half off the pavement. So my left foot went half off the pavement too, and rolled. I caught myself before I fell, but not before I heard/felt a "pop".  Strangely enough, though, I didn't really feel a lot of pain.

The smart part of my brain kicked in and said "You really shouldn't keep going.  You don't want to be farther from home and have it start hurting more, do you?"  And luckily I listened to the genius in my head, and turned around, heading for home.  Since it didn't really hurt much, I did more of a jog than a walk, trying to get home quickly.  I had forgotten to turn the Garmin off, but when I did, it turns out, even though I tripped, I managed a 12 min/mile pace! :) go me!

Long story short, it's sprained.  I went to Urgent Care, and they x-rayed me, sent me home with my ankle wrap and a note telling me I couldn't go to work, and that if it still hurt or got worse, to go to an orthopedist.  So I did.  Monday it wasn't better, and so I went and talked to an orthopedist, who told me that it was a sprain, but because it has been damaged before (more than once! I'll save that story for another post), the ligaments were weak and it was taking longer to recover.  Ugh.  No work for a week, and an order for Physical Therapy.  Oh, and  worst of all: NO RUNNING FOR 3 TO 4 WEEKS!!

AAAAaaaaahhhhhhh! I have a half-marathon THIS WEEKEND, and I can't go.  It cost me $80!  I'm sidelined from training for my MAIN half-marathon in about 6 weeks! *sigh*  SIDELINED. Ugh.

But I've been cleared for cardio on the elliptical and stationary bike to keep my endurance up, and have two pages of exercises to stretch and strengthen my ankle and calf from the PT.  It's killing me to miss out this weekend, but I know it's for the best.  (I may still go to the expo and pick up my packet (shirt and race bib!), but we'll see 'bout that) So I'm making the best of it, I guess. Trying to take it easy to make sure I'm ready for work on Monday.

In every sense of the word.

Mind Games

Well, welcome to 2012!  I have zero excuses for my slackerness, so I suppose I'll just move right into the post.  But for the record, I've written countless blog posts in my mind that I simply never actually sat down and typed.

This usually happens while I'm running.  Particularly my long runs on the weekend, when I have considerably longer chunks of time to distract myself from the actual work my body is doing.  I've also "written" lots of emails, to-do lists, and made all sorts of plans for myself.  All in my head.  That all get left on the trail.

My long runs have gotten progressively longer, as I've now registered for not one, but TWO Half-Marathons this spring! One in March, close to home, and one in April at the Outer Banks.  I had been increasing my mileage pretty slowly at the end of last year, and then I realized I had to step it up a bit.  So, starting in January, I increased my long run by 1/2 mile each week.  At this writing, I finished a long run of 10 miles on Sunday, and will do 10.5 next weekend.  Sounds crazy, right!?!?!

I have developed some rules and mind games while I run, to keep me distracted motivated.  When I'm on the American Tobacco Trail (a great place to run, by the way!), I *have* to run in transitional areas.  This means bridges, tunnels, cross-walks, and gates.  And there are quite a few of these, so it means I don't get too comfy while I walk.  I also listen to the same music mix each time, and try to get to a certain spot or mile marker before a specific song snippet comes on.  For example, I try to be right around 3 miles when the Lady Gaga "Bad Romance" clip comes on, and somewhere around 5 miles when the Bruce Springsteen clip comes on (I know, crazy song combos, right?).  So far, this works for me. 

And if all else fails, I count my footsteps.

Gratitude

I'm a bit of a Facebook junkie.  I'm on there a LOT.  I don't play the games and all of that crap, though, I really do use it as a tool to keep up with friends (and family) near and far, and organizations that I support.

One thing I've noticed people posting about since the beginning of November is GRATITUDE.  Since November is the month of Thanksgiving, it makes sense to take some time to reflect.  I can't say that I express my gratitude very often, but it's never too late to start. 

So, here's my Grown-Up Gratitude List (not in any particular order, and it is in no way complete):

1.  My husband:  He is my best friend, and tells me daily how much he loves me.  No matter where I am, when I'm with him I feel like Home.  I could say so much more, but I'll start crying, so I'll leave it at that.

2.  My Mom:  I would not be the woman I am now if it were not for how she raised me and how I saw her live her life.  I'm strong, independent, stubborn, and love coffee and crossword puzzles, all because of her.

3.  My Friends: I've got a great network of friends, some who have known me since I was in Junior High, some I've met only recently.  They are a very diverse group of people, and they make me laugh, cry, and drive me crazy (or do crazy things), but I would not be the person I am today without them, either.

4.  Cats:  I love my kitties, they are my fur babies, and petting them is my daily therapy.

5.  Autumn:  The colorful leaves, the changing sunlight, the crisp air.  It makes me feel recharged and renewed.

6.  The Pacific Northwest:  The part of the world my late father always called "God's Country".  I did not appreciate the beauty and richness of this area until I did not live there anymore.  Now I feel like I'm not quite complete unless I've touched my toes into the sands of Cannon Beach, walked through the stalls at Saturday Market, or watched Mount Hood or Mount Rainier change as the sun sets.

7.  My body and brain:  I am becoming stronger than I ever knew I could, and am constantly learning and changing how I think, feel, and move.  It's an amazing gift that keeps on giving.

K... I'm stopping there for now.  Perhaps I'll add more later on this month...

What are YOU grateful for?